BOOOO!!!

Pissed off with the lady arranging my driving lesson...
Changed my last lesson and didn't inform me... That poor teacher horning in front of my house while i still sleeping. Supposed to be afternoon wad? Emm.. then tmr test already. My bukit really quite sucky need at least a few more tries.... but now no more le.. So really going for test unprepared at all. Never mind lor. Treat it as an experience and hopefully I will do better if I failed. Though it will be great that I passed but still not very convincing bukit technique to get that pass. Wish myself luck then.

LOL!!!

I broke my own record!!!! i wrote more than 20 entries alr!!!!!

LOL!!!

I broke my own record!!!! i wrote more than 20 entries alr!!!!!

Totally random entry...

that two brothers quarrel again this time over some "toxic" customers statements but not face to face but through the pity secretarywho endures these shit for ten years...
I hate smokers!!!! BIG TIME!!!! worsen my nose conditions. Next, people that dun reply my sms... A no reply is so much better than ignoring my concern... Then, people that dun trust me for the wrong reason....
I realised the only link between my mum and my dad is just money and just money. Even my 6 yrs sister also noe that...
ARGH!!!! office is darn HOT when there is no electricity....
I miss SOMEBODY.....
I want to PASS my driving lesson soon and go around KL ASAP.....

A long quote from JK Rowling's Speech at Harvard Commencement

.....Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria ifyou let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure,a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epicscale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I wasjobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modernBritain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me,and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by everyusual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun.That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there wasgoing to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairytale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for along time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply becausefailure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretendingto myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began todirect all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found thedetermination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged.I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, andI was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I hadan old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solidfoundation on which I rebuilt my life.You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life isinevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something,unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived atall – in which case, you fail by default.Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained bypassing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that Icould have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will,and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I hadfriends whose value was truly above rubies.The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacksmeans that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. Youwill never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships,until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a truegift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more tome than any qualification I ever earned.Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-oldself that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not acheck-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV,are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and olderwho confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyondanyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable youto survive its vicissitudes....

LifE?????

in retrospect of my six years in sg, on a quick thought, i think i have learnt nothing... but on much reflection, i have learnt plenty but it is because i have achieve nothing that i want to achieve. it makes me feel that six years of endevours is utterly wasted. I wanted a relationship (as in finding the right girl that i can protect and share my school life with), I wanted to top the school, I wanted to impress everybody in band, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be tall, I wanted to be respected and the one that people look up to... i have achieve none of this. For that, it seems laughable to me that i am basically wasting my time worrying about studies and studies and studies that i dun have time for the rest. Until now i dun have an answer to that... looking at how my friends doing now, i do have some fears that i am not doing enough for myself. But what really is life. Is it about achieving everything i wanted? is it about being better than others? On hindsight, certain not! But what then my life should be? I always fantasised that my first girlfriend would solve and cure all the uncertainty to life... My current answer is love... But looking at how others break up and being hurted in the process, I doubted my answer. love though i haven't experience it should be that wonderful thing in life and not something we shld be dreadful of... but my world seems to tell me the opposite. so what then should be my life? loafing around too much and missing friends too much will make one psycho like me. Life is too short to be sad, emo and worry... what then is the answer... I yet to find out....

emo for what le?

I realise i dun think so much about what is the meaning of my life too much....
more of thinking how to improve myself from time to time. To impress myself and boost my confidence before I start to showcase myself to the others. Much like rehearsing before I face the audience. Somehow I set really high standard for myself in how should I carry myself and often failed to reach my own standards as I always embarrass myself in front of people. Be myself while I still can't really say what type of person I am is quite a diffcult task. All my Primary school friends can remember my e mail address already but thank god no one stupid enough to ask who I really am coz it is gonna be embarrasing to say I do not know... I live and just react according to what I really believe in at that moment. Individuality should be given not earning. So i shall not force myself to be somebody but juz go on with life....

More aBouT mE???

Likes to walk around in circles... imagine how mY faVorIte CeltiCs execute their offence... how I should drive pRoperly... how Should I ask the 3rD one out... basically, walking in small circles for about 20 plus times before i walk in reverse direction...

Likes to showoff he is better in almost everything... hates when he is one of the weakest... enjoys his prime time when He plays his solo nicely and hates when he is exhausted by the stupid high notes... enjoys the moment when he makes a beautiful shot and dread it when he cant stop missing his shots... hates when someone say you are very weak especially from my driving teacher.....

Likes to be with friends and dun mind friends be around him doing other things ... he juz like the accompany... Enjoys most of hostel life and hates his current stuck at home alone life... wish he can see at least one friend everyweek juz to have a 20 minutes chat over coffee...

Likes to watch band or orchestra... enjoys the moment when everybody blend with each other in sound, in music and in spirit...

Likes to discredit people as part of his "arsenal" of jokes... not intend to hurt but juz for fun...

Likes to hug anything and pretend that as his crush...

Likes to see people smile more and not juz being emotionless... coz he will start to worry about the seemingly sad friend... some times Overly worry until he or she pissed off...

Likes when people share some parts of their life with me... feels more human and realistic than people juz trying to joke and laugh and complain and entertain...

Likes pretty girls... (duh?)

Likes to give funny faces when he disagree or feels somethings is weird...

Likes to talk and talk and talk... makes him happy so dun tell him to shut up... born as a talkative person but forced not be one for 6 years... so let him have his freedom back...

Likes to Compare himself to everything better than him in life... and start to emo coz he is not as good...

Like to crack jokes to start a conversation...

Likes to close his eyes when he sits down... not to sleep but dun really like too much light....

Like to arrange his messy room, likes to do repeatative stuff and checking stock, likes to do things that dun require thinking and juz enjoy the fun of doing work....

Likes to type STE and KEL and JE and ERI and JOHN and SHEE everytime he is searching for someone to chat...

Like to whistle also... used to be darn good b4 the braces... but now he not so geng liao...

Dream girls part 2

BReak record.... the 3rd girl appeared in my dreams again this time at her house walking around dunno do wad... too brief an impression but the scene of her in her white T- shirt is unmistakable... She is also qUite eMo nowAdaYs. Dunno what she emo about. hope she will be alrite ba... Operation 6M starting soon... hope to really get to noe her problems and be there for her when she need me....

A truly UNorganised Thots...

Juz saw PM's blog... Translated.... in life we always return to the point where we originally are...
True but sometime we do return to multiple places and wandering are we the same person as we originally are and not changed to a so called new reference point of ourself... If life is a cycle, sometimes it takes ages for us to truly realise... juz like history will repeat itself... most of the time we do not learn from the past and continue to persist on our belief. We nEed more experiment to truly realise the pattern and learn our lesson. But some of us juz trust the law and do juz follow it. Others might think him or her having another NOrmAl life coz it is too simple or unsophisticated to stick to one law. But ultimately it is them who leAd a successful and friutful life while the rest just go through another typical sucessive failed experiments. The words of the wise are indeed wise... sometimes following tradition with a little twist of fun is a better guide to life... the law of life is yrself and trust yrself....

Youtube symphony

The very thought of gathering all the musician through youtube and google is amazing...
but whats more exciting is the music itself. heard the symphony played. The musicality is amazing and the orchestra blended well together. Maybe this is supposed to be the norm for pro musician but to me, the way they come to together in a common page is wonderful...
actually I reminds me of my Band Festival experience... meeting band members from other school and playing parts that you are super comfortable with and just concerntrate on the music... argh.... free from the worries of your fellow lazy members screwed things up, free from the pressure of training your sections, free from the trouble of difficult part (thanks lots to JIN JUN & WEN RONG), free from the worry that you will spoil the reputation of your own band...
Just play your own part... blend in with the section then the band... and then ENJOY the music...
I hope I can pick up my trumpet soon after I get rid of my braces and put myself in the same position where I can really enjoy music.... 2 years to go!!!

p.s I love the trumpet solo of eroica!!!!!

is it a matter of confidence?

emmm.... my lack of confidence in many aspects of my life is kinda well known among my better friends. But most of them thought i was being paranoid and all gave me the "you think too much" advice. I must say that they are all true that I might be worrying too much but succesive failures in my life have really dampen the already low confidence level of mine. Screwing up my "dates", always failed to show my best or even average performance in concert, overly panic during exams, always the insensitive comment coming put at inappropriate time, kena rejected for 2 times, nervous during presentation and speech, losing out "my" exco post...
I really not happy that I failed to achieve what I desired or expect to achieve. I don't want people trying to cheer me up. I want people come up and tell me what went wrong and guide me... Not just pity this little guy having another bad day. Too bad that I rely on FORMULAs to survive most of the challenges in my life and most of them are self-derived... Even more are unsolved and left there hanging and hurting me everytime I stumble... I am sick or tired of people just look at me and say too bad. Too many so called friends are like that. At least for me...
Is it the case of me being weak or is it the case of me facing it alone?

comin soon...

next entry must write how low self esteem kills my happiness in sg....
then muz not repeat again.... TBC

Another sunday...

Emm... got dejavu again... now at the DIgital Axis...
but can't play any of my new pc games le... my com sux!!!!
Gonna grab my dad ones and play de....

delayed disappointment....

This post is highly controversial...



Went to look that the band forum for 2007 SYF... actually I was expecting some comments for my band le... but after looking through the entire forum, there is only one line... "...deserved a gold..."onli...
Of coz i feel super disappointed... and I start to ask myself why our music do not left any impression in those people' mind... is it the type of music we played? is it the part where we went out of rhytm? is it our lack of musicality? I am not concern about the award we got but why we failed to communicate with the audience there... what have we not done?
late night practices? we did at NIE... even reached home at 11
tutors? we got almost one for each section...
no sense of continuation for rehearsal? we have prac every day b4 assembly...
lack star players? we do have strong players like ant, cindy, the trombone gals and so much more...
conductor? we have the most experienced conductor...
lack of bonding in band? just look at the clarinet section shirt...
why then we did not perform to the level we expected to the level we desired to the level we capable of...
is it just fate that we just screw up that day? I dunno....

Sick!!!!

Running nose, headache and more than 200 boxes need to carry and arrange...
Really is a torture to my body le... Haiz....
I wonder who drop in a comment... pls reveal yrself?

L.O.V.E

It always ended up with me asking myself what is love? Till now I found the 3rd girl that I really like... I still dunno what really love is... Love is just a natural feeling like an instant, uncontrolable body reaction be... (personally, i think this definition has room for improvement... haha) It makes me irrational, illogical and sometimes an embrassing person to be with. Oh well, guess this is the another beginning since the last Operation (ask if personally if u want to noe)....

忍

nothing i can do now.... although a bit jealous but still muz endure....
muz endure!!!!!! 忍!!!!!!!!

Dream Girls...

I have only two Real crushes in my life... and only two of them of all the pretty girls appeared in my dream before... haha... this morning, i woke up at 840 but went to sleep after i switch off the alarm... Third one appeared and we eat ice cream together... haha the fun part is i dun eve noe i have a crush on her alr...

Six years

It took me six years to talk to my dear cousins who were my playmate for six years... It took me six years to remember my new home address which we moved in six years ago...It took me six years to contact all my primary schools friends... It took me six years to realise the basketball court near my house... It took me six years to get to know people staying in my neighbourhood... It took me six years to know how to spell my sister's name properly... It took me six years just to have a real conversation with my separated parents... It took me six years to remember who I really am....

another entry....

I realised I can't watch scenes when good guys were being framed, when the girlfriend misunderstood her boyfriend...
basically i hate being misunderstood and also don't dare to see people being misunderstood. That feeling sucks. It always remind me of that last day at Dunman when i received that sms from Her.. the same day when I couldn't sleep the whole night... the same day i almost wanted to kill myself for being so insensitive... the same day i will regret for the rest of my life... the day i know i will never be the Old Jeff anymore...
haiz... despite the good news that andrew will join me in NJC the day after, that night is one of the longest night ever...

Some bad day today...

today har... so many things happened lar...
my mum cried early in the morning, i left my phone in her car, my dad got to attend some "unfinished" affairs, jun lam kept smsing me, my aunt desperately wants to find my mum but couldn't call her, my mum never pick up my call for over ten times... Argh!!!!
Turns up to be my uncle (mum side) juz passed away in hospital, my mum's phone spoil...
Emm... feel bad for my uncle's family... my cousin only 13 years old le... dunno he can take it or not. then i dunno how my aunt gonna support this family le. Shld go down to tanjung sepat and vist them tmr ba. Hope they can go through this difficult period soon.
haven't started to reflect yet... might do that soon...

One poor soul stuck in the rain

totally suay i think...
play bball halfway then rain...
i'm forced to seek shelter at the petrol station. the worst part is nobody is free to fetch me, and i forced to wait there for like 1 hour? well... my mind was blank then. juz staring at the motorcyclist seeking shelter like me and the attentants there.... try to push my luck by smsing a friend staying nearby but she cant make it... Well, juz another random experience.

Another Attempt to Write a Diary

Haha.. i totally forgot i have a blogspot account...
anyway, somemore random thoughts i had on April's fool...
Though it has nothing to do about jokes and pranks.

Dunno why everytime i see other ppl's pic onFB, I always so envy the ppl in the pic. Some part of me seems to complain: "Why I dun hav friends that likes to take picture wif me!!!" and some part of me worries that very friend in the pic remember me or not. Not necessary when the pic was taken but i wonder did i ever being recalled in my friend's mind for a minute...

Also i dunno y but keep getting the feeling that the rest of the world is doing SOMETHING but i'm not. Ppl taking pic b4 lectures (pardon fof the inconsistent short forms used), b4 submission of assignment, when they are bored, during their outings, blah blah blah... Always have something to do one... NOt like a free man like me loafing an emoing around. Haha, PM maybe wad i said the other time is correct de...

haiz... another day without post to the group. Dun really blame them for not posting on FB instead post to each other. Glad to see that Ppl are interacting but not wif me huh... Passive is never positive huh... But sometimes i really dun want to initiate conversation juz becoz i want to talk le... Feel better when ppl talk to me occasionally. Maybe once every three days? hehe... (a bit selfish here)

Should i ask her out? But she is so muggy and bz wif hw every night... a group outing shld be a good start but no one wants to go. Need to invite everyone meh? Xian... really wish i have at least a few friends to be available all the time... like always in satndby mode de...

First tightening isn't that bad at all... still can eat my favourite BAnMianKonLou haha... Another random comment... Sheena really prettier wor... really good skin le... wish my pimpleful face can be like hers.

Might sound weird here... Shld i get a GF? more like desperate for a friend gua... 6 years in SG only Johnson and Andrew and Jean maybe Jasmine can tune to my frequency de... dunno when will i get to noe another JEan, u noe wad i mean not the same name lar... then maybe i get my 1st GF? Dreaming now...

Well... life now is quite boring... onli PM willing to entertain tis lonely boy... haha